res·o·lu·tion

  /ˌrɛzəˈluʃən/ Show Spelled[rez-uh-loo-shuhn]  noun

Resolve This!

The beginning of the New Year is notoriously the time to look at our calendars and perhaps to jot down some key dates, and resolutions for personal change. Right?  (At least, that has been my position on the change-over to a new calendar, for many years.)  These days, I’m thinking that looking at the numeric change as a “marker” for personal change is a bit of a cop out. Whatever you were considering doing to better yourself on July 1st should be applicable on January 1st as well.  Is there any reason that changes that help us to grow should have an expiry date?

Why put it off?

The holidays are so hectic with the usual obligations and budgeting and attempts to spend some quality time with friends and family amidst the flurry of activity…we lose sight of what we really want to do and what brings us joy.  Much of the time, we count on some ‘time-off’ in order to relax and make the most of the holiday season.  The time-off arrives, and we are still up to our ears and eyebrows with cooking and gifting and scheduling – with a hurried mind-set and a worried outlook. Will there be enough time to get everything done? Will that person like their present? Am I doing enough?

Why put so much pressure on ourselves, simply due to the date on the calendar? What about enjoying time spent with these people ALL through the year? Why is a gift considered a representation of how much we care? Who are we comparing ourselves to?

A little tradition goes a long way

Having moved into a blended-family arrangement somewhat recently with my true love, we have had the necessity to combine ideas for the holidays and beyond. Starting some of our own ‘traditions’ seems to be a good place to begin showing what matters to our kids.  We all get comfort from routines and traditions in our lives. That being said: I’m ready to shed the old ideas, and begin generating some new ones with this amazing man and our family. We’re showing them what happiness and true love looks like, so giving them a relaxing new set of traditions that they can count on,  is also part of parenting them. Breaking from the usual ‘expectations’ may just be how we quantify “tradition”. It may be the way we stay happy, too.

Parting thoughts

What are you doing at this time of the year that brings you comfort instead of stress?

Do you look at the date on the calendar, in order to promise to make changes to your life?

How is that working for you?

A few years back, the experience of having my very first tattoo (representing the desire to carry peace with me) represented a slew of changes in my life. It was my way of  marking that I was getting to know who I really was. Stressful, big changes were happening and I was learning, growing and becoming more aware of what I was capable of all the time. Celebrating what I wanted out of my life, my relationships with others, and staying true to myself from that moment on as I was moving forward – was clearly displayed with a permanent piece of artwork on my skin. I had spent 39 years of my life ‘ink-less’ so, the commitment to having a place in time literally marked  meant a lot to me. Of course, I always knew there would be more changes to follow – and reasons to visit the artist: “Buzz” again.

People do all sorts of things to pay homage to change in their lives. For me, it could be a trek along the beautiful Trans Canada Trail that I have been meaning to explore one day, or even an artistic expression such as a canvas to hang on the wall, a blog post or poem that I write or even a song…that really helps to express how my life is expanding and I am feeling. For you, it could be so many other options. But it has been sharing the story of changes in my life with an artist who interprets it, and helps me to display something permanently on my flesh – that appeals to my mindset.

Now I have reached another significant milestone. I can honestly say I have learned many new lessons and see with new eyes as a parent and as a person  – largely due to a new relationship that has grown out of a friendship in my life. What an incredible gift it is, to meet someone who ultimately holds up a mirror for me, and allows me to see more.  The mirror shows me that patience is a valuable attribute in my parenting and as a daughter and family member.  The principle of KISS or “Keep It Simple Stupid” is the underlying theme in my blended-family life with this loving partner.  He brings simplicity and clarity under the busiest of circumstances and during moments of chaos and distraction he is steadfast and calm.  He simply does this effortlessly. And so, when he said with conviction: “I simply love you.” there has never been any doubt about where we are headed.  When concerns arose he said: “Keep it simple…” and he was there to show me how.  I had my newest inspiration to mark this time of growth.

So, the tattoo that I have added will serve as a daily reminder of what I already know (and live) within my heart. It is a symbol of sticking with simplicty not complicating things, remaining steadfast and true. I guess, on the surface level – it is a gentle reminder to anyone who sees this word, that we need to be in the moment with those we love and indulge in a Kiss more often.

How do you celebrate that you are growing and changing? Do you share what you are learning?

A certain sense of something happening beyond my control is where it all began. Not the sense that meant I was nervous, or stressed, but just a knowledge that this was meant to happen exactly as it is happening..and there was very little that I could do to change it.  All very unexpected, and yet oddly familiar. This was why I noticed it. This was what made it completely real. It was stronger than me or even both of us, and stronger than I could ever imagine. And, I had imagined quite a lot.

It was home.

What is it that allows us to open our minds and hearts up to someone new and create a friendship? We learn from the situations of the past – what we need, what we hope for, what we cannot live with, and what we cannot live without. How is it, that with a friendship growing between 2 people – there is a belief that the other is showing us their true self and can be trusted with our thoughts and most sensitive needs? Is it pheromones? Is it something in the dialogue? Is it common ground? It could be all of the above, or it could be home.

I think I have been looking during most of my adult life for a place of beauty and ease. The beauty could take the form of surface-level objects or dwellings  (which it has been  in the past), or an overall sense of joy and light and positivity. The ‘ease’ is obvious. I think I came close to it a couple of times…but there was an obstacle that I wasn’t focusing on. Smoke and mirrors, if you will.  I know myself better now, and know that wasn’t good enough for me. It was somebody else’s dream, and I am meant to live my own.

So here I am looking at him. At ‘us’. Often accused of analyzing things: I am not picking it apart – but instead I am celebrating it. There are many things we haven’t experienced yet and many things we will rely on each other for. Of this, I have no fear. When I don’t know what lies ahead it is quite Ok.  When I think of the challenges and ‘firsts’ and unknown events we may face – for the first time that I can remember, I don’t spend much time there.

It is a strong and real love we have found. It is our Home Sweet Home.

Discovering more about myself always means venturing into unknown territory. The path looks familiar, but so many new elements prove that it is not. I navigate with some help.

When the road turns a corner that I’ve never been around I have a chance to learn more about myself and my motivations and fears. Past experience doesn’t really make a huge difference, when I’m blazing a new trail. It’s ok to have that well-worn map called ‘experience’ there in my back pocket as the Plan B option, but new territory begets new actions and reactions. I’ve changed. The characters I encounter along the way are new. Yep, I’m new.

I have some help with the lack of experience here.

Only recently I truly embraced the fact that my life is going to be a scheduling ‘challenge’ (read: night-mare) for many years to come. It may remain this way indefinitely. Somewhat scary. But, with the usual weekly requirements, plus the added creative outlets …and some lovely social add-ons…it’s a patchwork-quilt of notes in my ol’ Google calendar now. This isn’t abnormal. It’s just something I have finally ‘embraced’ and know that I want.

When you have passion for something and can finally truly express it/live it/love it or even someone – you have even more room than you ever thought possible in your calendar and capacity to learn and share and love. There’s that trick:  when you have the capacity to generate even more of the good stuff as you go along. Right?  The secret’s in the gut.

Sure, I have worries and wonders and wish I could answer all of the questions that drive me… but my gut is gonna show me what makes sense at the time when I need to know or take action. As one dear person that I know frequently says: “have patience”. Patience (the p-word) is the key to living with acceptance. Acceptance means you live and let live in many cases. Don’t rush or push the things that you love or want to achieve. Let your inner voice guide you. Your inner friend, really.

Some of my life’s questions are really fears that I am dwelling on. Some are things that will never be. Many are hopes that motivate me to keep pushing through, and to be the best person that I can be.

I have navigated my way onto a new road. It’s exciting to be here – but also intimidating and bigger than any place I have ever been before.

My gut tells me it’s safe, and filled with infinite possibility.

My gut is almost never wrong.

This balloon is filled with air, and thoughts and tears.

What will it take for me to accept those things that float on high, which are not really meant to be contained by me?

Stepping back means not making it mine.

No grappling for the string on that balloon, it’s yours.

No tracking of the outcome, or the direction that the wind takes it.

Concentrating on where I am going is all I am meant to do.

The same wind that carries your balloon out of reach – blows beneath my feet, for my next step forward.

Christmas has actually crept up on me this year…the holidays are looking me in the face, and I didn’t see them coming. I am (perhaps) one of the only people that I know who hasn’t shopped at all, or spent much time fulfilling the retail requirements of the holiday season.

I recently spent some time doing the ‘midnight shopping’ experience with someone, and I have to say it was comical but not very fruitful. My companion attributed my lack of enthusiasm to the environment and the hour, but it was really more like walking into the casino and being overwhelmed by the overzealous gamblers – and not feeling ready to play the slots. I just don’t want to elbow my way to the shelves. I feel the superficial part of Xmas is it’s most unattractive quality. I don’t want to show my spirit and how much I care about others – with something trendy or extravagant.

Am I missing something here..or is this not the plastic-wrapped time of the year? Do we start to measure the level of affection that we have for our loved-ones by the bargains and gift-wrap that we can cover our purchases in? I don’t like to measure the worth or weight of my love. Frankly, I feel this time of the year can be equated to Valentine’s Day for lovers. It is a sad relationship and individual who sees a specific date on the calendar as the obligatory time to “show” someone how he feels. I love all of the time. I don’t need a specific day of the year to remind me of this fact.

I will ultimately need to participate on some level, (Santa will be visiting for certain), but it’s more important to me to spend quality time with my loved ones with the ‘gift exchange’ being more of a hug and laugh and talk of plans together in the New Year.

To all of my friends and family: I love my time with you, not something that can be measured by the discount deals that are being offered at the mall. I won’t be midnight shopping for a token gift that expresses what you mean to me.

We feel, we connect and we create a spark.

It’s not a sharp sensation – but surprisingly a slow, warm feeling.

The sights and sounds and smells around  are more vivid than ever in my life.

I have waited and wondered if something this genuine could ever exist -  until I looked into your eyes.

I see something in them that I already know: I see a part of me.

This isn’t a chase. There’s no need to run.

We have time, and we will take all of the time that we need.

This will be worth the wait.

Too many to know precisely, but there was a definite starting place and a middle and now we are moving along on parallel paths towards the next destination.

The strength of our friendship is respect.

Respect for ourselves, and respect for the other.

A learning connection.

I can tell you everything that is real for me and you will help me to take the best of it and carry it forward.

Our friendship is a journey and I was meant to meet you along this path.

I look forward thanks to you.

The outside world shows me momentary joys, but so many people will take from me and empty me.

I crave the taste and touch of truly relaxed time spent together.

Things have been slowing from the moment we first met.

A gentle forward momentum keeps my heart beating patiently.

This quiet place is where I belong.

What have you attempted to do lately that remains incomplete?

Is it a favorite past-time activity pushed aside by some work? A phone call or email that you keep meaning to reply to, that just never gets addressed? Time to exercise? Time to organize? Time-out?

Until recently, I would assume that I could find time for everything. I actually assumed that I should find time. But, time is relative to the amount of energy and emotion that you have available to give.

Sitting for 15 minutes and reading on a patch of grass is quiet, personal time spent. Calling a colleague, and discussing a project that inspires you both – is creative time spent. Looking up a friend and taking time to sit down over a meal while sharing stories and ideas is heart-felt time spent. What does it mean to take some time to actually do nothing – but simply to ‘feel’ and to allow life to unfold as it will without any attempts on your part?  It means that you are being patient.

I look patience in the eyes, and realise that I have not spent very much time in this place. I am pretty nervous to confront this, and I mess it all up by over-thinking it.  Simply put, I yearn for calm. Instead, I’m holding my breathe and waiting for patience to ‘kick-in’ and save the day. Instead of holding my breathe I need to let it go. For as long as it takes..just 1 breathe at a time. Slowly nuturing the calmness that I need. Slowly getting more patient and succeeding to let things happen as they will.

This is the way to complete what needs to really happen. Patience will reveal the truth.